In Malcolm Gladwell’s new book, David and Goliath, he tells a story about the police in Brownsville, a New York neighborhood where, in 2003, the local police force decided one Thanksgiving to give out 125 turkey’s by going door to door to families that had been sited as high risk for crime. The city had a crime rate that was rapidly growing, while the hope that the government could do anything about it was decreasing, if not gone altogether. Gladwell reports that the police force decided to get creative and to do something radically different to show their support and good intentions for the families, taking the risk to get close to the same people that they had hurt and been hurt by in the years prior.
Thanksgiving can mirror some of the aspects of Gladwell’s story: While the sharing of food can offer a special occasion to come together in mid-fall, with autumn colors, beckoning warm drinks and blankets and the potentially tight seating of the family table, the same “special occasion” can also mean a returning to a family system that carries past hurt, unresolved conflicts, and habituated or assumed roles. The roles we play can embody subtle threats to our nervous systems, usually coming in the form of irritation, harsh feelings, high-stress, or zoning out. Not only do we “play” these roles, like actors in a stage production, the ways in which we embody ourselves during these special occasions can also signify a capacity, a responsibility, or a position we take.
Whether your personal role is something of a threat to you or to others, or whether your intentions are truly valued, will be unique to your situation. However, if the police in Gladwell’s story let the community determine whether they were feeling gratitude, support, or positive intentions, they may have been let down. It can take years to mend fractured communities and heal hurt. What I find most important is that the police in the story embodied their role differently, engaging with as much care as they could within a strained relationship. They took a role that was risky, but it also felt good to them. Taking a look at your personal role this year may help you navigate choppy waters with a different kind of mast.
I want to offer my readers some seeds of thought: That given some personal or family therapy, and the willingness to generate your own gifts to bring to your table, this thanksgiving may offer something different for you this year. Questioning the role you usually play, and then realizing the capacity you have to engage with yourself or others, you may be able to truly embody a personal form of abundance.
1. Individual seeds
This time of year can represent both a traditional harvest, as in harvesting a crop, and the symbolic harvest of personal, therapeutic, or professional seeds that have come into fruition.
My personal seed is the ability to reach toward what is unknown to me, and the trust I have in my ability to connect to others. I am nurturing the seeds of being close to myself. While I come from an abundant garden of family ties, this year I am extending outward towards another family. While what is new and unknown can create some anxiety, I know that by staying close to myself I stay connected to my sense of self. In this moment-to-moment staying with me, I believe that I will be able to navigate whatever is ahead with awareness and respect.
2. Seeds in relationship to another’s ground
Going home or showing up for a friend’s gathering when you have dedicated yourself to therapeutic growth is something to care for and protect.
Being in therapy, and awakening in many senses, is a way of living, communicating, and feeling into a broader range of experience. At this point I have been in therapy for many years. It can be the ultimate challenge to return to the same system that raised me, or attend a gathering where the sensitivity toward others or respect for oneself may not match my own. This is not something to take lightly. Taking risks to change what feels unchangeable depends solely on me showing up differently for myself.
I invite you to respect your process by holding it close to you with gentleness, self and other forgiveness, and to trust that your body knows what it feels. Not everyone may understand how to speak in “I statements,” nor have the capacity to handle the realizations you have had around your own internalized oppression. But you can stand in the sense of your body, trust your instincts, and find your seat at the table with ownership and gratitude for what you are living with. I also know how hard this is to do in a system that may need you to play a certain role to “keep the peace.” May the role you chose to inhabit this year be one that is sustainable and soothing for you.
3. Sunshine for you
If you find yourself with unmanageable feelings, find some solace and take a breather. Perhaps give yourself some loving contact, feeling into the warmth of your hands on your legs or heart. Find someone you love to give you eye contact that you can trust. They will probably be grateful for your presence.
Wishing you a very fruitful Thanksgiving, nurturing the seeds of contact we have had in therapy, and staying close to yourself with a sense of ease.